Sunday, November 16, 2008

He Gets It.

photo by William J. Meyer Photography

On Friday, I laid down for a bit after getting the smallest 2 kids down for naps and the bigger 2 settled for their 'alone time'. I pulled the covers over my head, and began to pray, asking Jesus to show me again how to live. The passage from Ephesians popped into my head...the one on the fruit of the Spirit. I began to recite them over in my head:

as I went down the list, I did a mental check off.
loving? no
joyful? not really
peaceful? um. riiiiight.
patient? not usually.
kind? sometimes...but not as the norm
good? 'sinful' more accurately describes me, i think.
faithful? i need to think more about this one...
gentle? a little bit. every once in awhile.
self-controlled? yeah... something to strive for.

It all seems so impossible in the midst of raising 4 little humans. and, i think for me, it IS impossible in my own strength.

Case in point? As I was doing this mental checkoff, I was interrupted about a zillion plus 2 times...

'so-n-so is doing THIS'
'I need THAT'
'so-n-so wet herself. again.'

"OH LORD", I thought. "Just a couple minutes? I'm SO angry. I just want to be left alone with YOU. Can't everyone just leave me the heck alone so i can be with Jesus and learn how to be nicer, darnit! Lord, show me how NOT to be angry. Show me HOW on EARTH to serve you, and love you and show love and mercy and grace to my kids. Show me how to live in peace. Not with an angry heart, but one full of love."
(I cleaned up my thoughts for you to read...they weren't that sweet) ;)

I got up, cleaned up the wet one, and sent her back to bed... and went for my Bible. Laying next to it was a Bible study that I'd started 4 years before and only gotten to week 3. I thought, why not? and picked it up and took it back to bed with me. I opened it to where I'd left off. And the lesson? You guessed was on ANGER. I began to cry...literally tears ran down my face. I don't know why I continue to be surprised when God meets me right where I am, but I am. He surprises me. He IS our ever present help, and He met me through a dusty book, that I'd neglected, until the time was right for me to learn from it. How cool is God?

I took some time yesterday to write out each of the verses on anger that God used to speak to me, and to post them around my house, at eye level. (I want to take pics, but my batteries for my camera are dead again...)

Then, last night, I checked out THIS. They had a different service last night, where there were 6 different stations around the room. Some with slideshows, candles to light, communion, write a letter to God, etc. Each were for the purpose of reflecting on the beattitudes... Again, God met me there. He continues to let me know that He understands where I am, and He is here with me, walking through it.
I'm so thankful that...He gets it.


Marissa said...

Ahh. Don't you love it when that happens? When you find yourself exactly where you need to be.

I had to laugh because this post sounds an awful lot like me. :)

Dawn said...

ministered to me sweetie!

Kara said...

Thanks for sharing, dear friend, from your heart--even if you had to edit it a bit! You are glorifying God as you seek Him in the midst of your trials. Easy to say, huh!

I pray that you would set Him at your right hand, so that you would not be shaken. And as a result, your heart would be glad, your whole being rejoice, and even your body would rest secure. He will not abandon you to the grave! I pray that He would make known to you (moment by moment) the path of LIFE, fill you with JOY in His presence, and with eternal PLEASURE at His right hand.

Kara said...

and thanks for the link to the Refuge website. Intriguing...

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your blog. My husband and I are adopting from Ethiopia.
We had 4 children in 5 years, so I understand your frustration! You look at your precious kids and they mean everything to you. Yet, anger and frustration comes so easily. I remember laying in bed at night feeling so guilty over the harsh words I had spoken that day.
My advice...when ten things are screaming for your attention at once, cry out to God. My pleas sounded something like this,"God, I cannot handle all of this at once. Please help me to know what to deal with first." Many times, as I was faithful to handle that one thing, the other 9 would resolve themselves. Also, it helped me to remember that He is a constant help. Sometimes, I felt so alone in trying to do everything during the day. It helped to put up physical reminders of my "ever-present Help in trouble".-verses, pictures...
Take heart. It is hard when the children are so young. There will be a magical day when they are not so physically needy and you will, like me long for the days of dressing, cuddling, and carrying the little rascals!